resa: (Glaube an Kunst)

I have no idea how I survived today. God... After some bustling working hours pre-lunch time, I sat down in the library afterwards, to finish reading one of the plays I will write my next term paper on. These plays I'm working on... They hurt, they hurt a lot, because they tell stories from innocent people on death row in American prisons and detainees in Guantanamo. It's not the plays, or rather how they depict these things, but the facts, the reality behind them which is so... so... I can't say. Injustice in large doses tends to make me speechless. I have no words. Well, yeah, that's how it goes, again and again, with me studying literature. I always pick the difficult, the important topics - I read and feel them, stand devastated before them, then gather my wits, and start explaining, translating, and creating. I grow because of this process, every single time, every single time I do this to myself. Watch me in a few days, things will have changed. I will find words, but God, right now... It just hurts so much.

Then, yoga. Don't get me started on this one. During the last two years, I've cried in class, but today, I just broke down. Beforehand, our teacher warned us that the meditation we would do would probably bring powerful emotions to the surface. He said the pain would come in waves, it would come, and then go again; we would feel pain, and then no pain, pain, no pain. We just had to sit through it. Yeah, all I felt was pain and yet more pain. 22 minutes, mind you. Afterwards, I couldn't stop crying. We sang our last mantra, bowed and still, the tears kept on coming. At that point, N. turned to me, asked if I wanted a hug, and I told her yes. She then held me through the worst of it, more crying, more sobbing, and I calmed down eventually. I know, I know I have a lot of things on my mind, lots of great and frightening things are happening in my life, but... Such outburts scare me so much. I don't want them, I want to be able to live through them, breathing. Still, It was an amazing feeling to have N. comfort me like this. We barely know each other, and god, I cried so hard and I know too many people who can't handle tears.

All in all, fuck you, personal growth. You hurt.
resa: (meditation)

Today, I meditated on why I do yoga. Or, more acurately: why I don't these days.

Because that's what I do - I don't do yoga. Or meditation. Well, I started again yesterday, but who knows for how long that will last? That's why I thought I should spend my time with some important things. So, I thought that when I do yoga, it makes me feel good; not all the way through sometimes, but most of it and definitely in the end. But why have I felt so defeated then before I even started doing something again? Sure, it's always hard to get a routine going, but that's not what I've felt these past weeks. I felt like a stupid loser only thinking about thinking about it. I went to my class, but couldn't bring myself to face these feelings alone.

Today, while singing along with one of my favourite mantras, I came to the conclusion that facing yoga lately, I felt what I felt concerning my father in the past months. (Suprise!) It goes kind of like this: it doesn't matter what I try it won't be enough I will never be enough but I'm the only one who can solve this nobody else can I need to be perfect I have to... Goes for both, my father and yoga. Thing is, yoga is just about me and therefore, I am the only one who decides what I think and feel about yoga. So, granted, these thoughts I've had are exaggerated - even when they concern my father and our little problems. But concerning yoga? They are totally inappropiate. They don't belong there; they are not even really there!

I'm just... tired, I guess. That's why they slip over, to yoga, to everything really. But that they slip over to yoga bothers me most. It's supposed to help me doing this. How am I supposed to fight this stupid guilt when it blocks the way to my armory? The backdoor again? It's so hard to find...

But I'll try again tomorrow.

a few words

Jul. 5th, 2009 10:15 pm
resa: (meditation)
Sadhana was amazing. Two and a half hours passed like in a dream and a very beautiful one at that. The set of exercises (positions?) we did was hard but oh so good. (This is so cliché, but often I think yoga has to hurt to bring things in motions; it certainly did today.) Afterwards, we sang six mantras and meditated like that for an hour in all and I want to do it again! Right now! It was beautiful, challenging, heart-breaking, and healing at the same time. I knew most of the mantras, that is, I had sung them to one or another melody before, but there was one which I hadn't known before and... I don't know. It was so beautiful, I just fell apart, I couldn't sing. I sat there crying like so many times before during yoga class and just listened. And the moment passed - like every moment does. I'm glad I experienced that in such clarity again today. Doesn't keep me from looking like mad for this particular version of "Rakhe Rakhan Har" to repeat this experience. So much for 'every moment passes'... I still have a lot to learn. ;-)


So.

Just because I'm being all spiritual again in this entry, you better not think that you can escape the pictures! Yesterday, [community profile] chris_pine_daily supplied me with very pretty pictures from this site and I have to share. No Zachary today, because he looks way to dorky on the most recent pictures. I'm in the mood for handsome and oh my, smilling handsome at that. Have a look...





resa: (dear diary)

Oh, I'm soooooo tired. Tired and happy, because we drove to the Heuchelheimer Seen today and spent the afternoon frollicking in the sun, swimming, and playing with Elvis. We had so much fun! The water was great and it wasn't as humid as the last days. Aaaahhhh.... Just perfect. We need to repeat that very, very soon. On our way home, Elvis was so exhausted that he lay down comfortably on the back seat between S. and me, and put up his head on my thigh, so that I could properly pet his ears. Life is good.

And it's getting even better!

Tomorrow, I will get up at 5 o'clock and meet with my fellow yogis for sadhana. I'm so excited! I wonder how I will do at it. I've been practicing yoga and meditation every morning for 81 days now, but only around  20 minutes, not two and a half hours. And not so early... Anyways, I'm sure it will be a great experience and I'm looking forward to it very much. Lucky me then that it's only around seven hours away, huh?

That depends on the perspective. I should definitely go to bed. Like right now.

resa: (meditation)

My weekend was great! I went to see the new Star Trek movie and it was totally mind-blowing. And Zachary Quinto was.. You know. Zachary Quinto. Amazing, mind-blowing and some delicious eye-candy. Like everybody else. No, seriously! What about some unattractive characters for a change? Anyways, I loved the movie.

However, the theater's air conditioning might be the reason why I'm blowing my nose at least every fifteen minutes today. My cold is back. Well, it's no really the air con's fault alone, I know that. My immune system is talking to me and demands some dreamless nights and less hours a day spend with worries and anger. I've been working on it, but it's complicated, to say the least.

I have this, let's call it a "situation", and it's not like I have no idea what to do about it. I have several ideas and that's problem - I'm torn. I'm told that a compromise of them might be a good idea and my head understands; compromises are often a very reasonable thing. However, my heart starts literally screaming with hurt and anger when I think about a compromise, because one of the ways to deal with this "situation" is old and I've been there time and time again; it hurts me more than I can say and I don't want to go there anymore. I don't want parts of it in my life anymore. I want this other way, the new way. It looks shiny and it feels right and good for me. But it's scary and I don't even want to imagine going there. So, I don't like any way out of this "situation" - neither the old nor the new and especially not the compromise of both. At the same time, I want them all, I guess... It's frustrating.

Lucky for me then that I've kept up my daily mediation practice for nearly six weeks now, isn't it? I wonder where I would be emotionally without this right now. I'm not overly aggressive, but I want to destroy things these days, believe me. Plastic water bottles are my favourite victims. However, when I meditate or even just think about meditation, this desire stops. It is amazing (even more amazing than Zachary Quinto in the new Star Wars movie). But it's far from easy. It's still a fight for me every day and I've kind of accepted by now that it will be like this for a longer period of time. Kind of. I still wish I would be better at it by now. Yeah, hasty me. In "Eat Pray Love", Elizabeth Gilbert and her friend pretty much sum up many of my thoughts on meditation and what my yoga teacher has told me a couple of times before:


"I can't get my mind to sit still."
"Remember what the guru teaches us - if you sit down with the pure intention to meditate, whatever happens next is none of your business. So why are you judging your experience?"
"Because what's happening in my meditation cannot be the point of this Yoga."
"Groceries, baby - you got no idea what's happening in there."
"I never see visions, I never have transcedent experiences -"
"You wanna see pretty colors? Or you wanna know the truth about yourself ? What's your intention?"
"All I seem to do is argue with myself when I try to meditate."
"That's just your ego, trying to make sure it stays in charge. This is what your ego does. It keeps you feeling seperate, keeps you with a sense of duality, tries to convince you that you're flawed and broken instead of whole."
"But how does that serve me?"
"It doesn't serve you. Your ego's job isn't to serve you. Its only job is to keep itself in power. And right now, your ego's scared to death cuz it's about to get downsized. You keep up this spiritual path, baby, and that bad boy's days are numbered. Pretty soon your ego will be out of work, and your heart'll be making all the decisions. So your ego's fighting for it's life, playing with your mind, trying to assert its authority, trying to keep you cornered off in a holding pen away from the rest of the universe. Don't listen to it."
"How do you not listen to it?"
"Ever try to take a toy away from a toddler? They don't like that, do they? They start kicking and screaming. Best way to take a toy away from a toddler is distract the kid, give him something else to play with. Divert his attention. Instead of trying to forcefully take thoughts out of your mind, give your mind something better to play with. Something healthier."
"Like what?"
"Like love, Groceries. Like pure divine love."


I really like this passage. Do you?

Have I scared off anybody with my talk about spirituality yet? ;-)

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Resa

August 2011

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