I have no idea how I survived today. God... After some bustling working hours pre-lunch time, I sat down in the library afterwards, to finish reading one of the plays I will write my next term paper on. These plays I'm working on... They hurt, they hurt a lot, because they tell stories from innocent people on death row in American prisons and detainees in Guantanamo. It's not the plays, or rather how they depict these things, but the facts, the reality behind them which is so... so... I can't say. Injustice in large doses tends to make me speechless. I have no words. Well, yeah, that's how it goes, again and again, with me studying literature. I always pick the difficult, the important topics - I read and feel them, stand devastated before them, then gather my wits, and start explaining, translating, and creating. I grow because of this process, every single time, every single time I do this to myself. Watch me in a few days, things will have changed. I will find words, but God, right now... It just hurts so much.
Then, yoga. Don't get me started on this one. During the last two years, I've cried in class, but today, I just broke down. Beforehand, our teacher warned us that the meditation we would do would probably bring powerful emotions to the surface. He said the pain would come in waves, it would come, and then go again; we would feel pain, and then no pain, pain, no pain. We just had to sit through it. Yeah, all I felt was pain and yet more pain. 22 minutes, mind you. Afterwards, I couldn't stop crying. We sang our last mantra, bowed and still, the tears kept on coming. At that point, N. turned to me, asked if I wanted a hug, and I told her yes. She then held me through the worst of it, more crying, more sobbing, and I calmed down eventually. I know, I know I have a lot of things on my mind, lots of great and frightening things are happening in my life, but... Such outburts scare me so much. I don't want them, I want to be able to live through them, breathing. Still, It was an amazing feeling to have N. comfort me like this. We barely know each other, and god, I cried so hard and I know too many people who can't handle tears.
All in all, fuck you, personal growth. You hurt.