some thoughts

My weekend was great! I went to see the new Star Trek movie and it was totally mind-blowing. And Zachary Quinto was.. You know. Zachary Quinto. Amazing, mind-blowing and some delicious eye-candy. Like everybody else. No, seriously! What about some unattractive characters for a change? Anyways, I loved the movie.

However, the theater's air conditioning might be the reason why I'm blowing my nose at least every fifteen minutes today. My cold is back. Well, it's no really the air con's fault alone, I know that. My immune system is talking to me and demands some dreamless nights and less hours a day spend with worries and anger. I've been working on it, but it's complicated, to say the least.

I have this, let's call it a "situation", and it's not like I have no idea what to do about it. I have several ideas and that's problem - I'm torn. I'm told that a compromise of them might be a good idea and my head understands; compromises are often a very reasonable thing. However, my heart starts literally screaming with hurt and anger when I think about a compromise, because one of the ways to deal with this "situation" is old and I've been there time and time again; it hurts me more than I can say and I don't want to go there anymore. I don't want parts of it in my life anymore. I want this other way, the new way. It looks shiny and it feels right and good for me. But it's scary and I don't even want to imagine going there. So, I don't like any way out of this "situation" - neither the old nor the new and especially not the compromise of both. At the same time, I want them all, I guess... It's frustrating.

Lucky for me then that I've kept up my daily mediation practice for nearly six weeks now, isn't it? I wonder where I would be emotionally without this right now. I'm not overly aggressive, but I want to destroy things these days, believe me. Plastic water bottles are my favourite victims. However, when I meditate or even just think about meditation, this desire stops. It is amazing (even more amazing than Zachary Quinto in the new Star Wars movie). But it's far from easy. It's still a fight for me every day and I've kind of accepted by now that it will be like this for a longer period of time. Kind of. I still wish I would be better at it by now. Yeah, hasty me. In "Eat Pray Love", Elizabeth Gilbert and her friend pretty much sum up many of my thoughts on meditation and what my yoga teacher has told me a couple of times before:

"I can't get my mind to sit still."
"Remember what the guru teaches us - if you sit down with the pure intention to meditate, whatever happens next is none of your business. So why are you judging your experience?"
"Because what's happening in my meditation cannot be the point of this Yoga."
"Groceries, baby - you got no idea what's happening in there."
"I never see visions, I never have transcedent experiences -"
"You wanna see pretty colors? Or you wanna know the truth about yourself ? What's your intention?"
"All I seem to do is argue with myself when I try to meditate."
"That's just your ego, trying to make sure it stays in charge. This is what your ego does. It keeps you feeling seperate, keeps you with a sense of duality, tries to convince you that you're flawed and broken instead of whole."
"But how does that serve me?"
"It doesn't serve you. Your ego's job isn't to serve you. Its only job is to keep itself in power. And right now, your ego's scared to death cuz it's about to get downsized. You keep up this spiritual path, baby, and that bad boy's days are numbered. Pretty soon your ego will be out of work, and your heart'll be making all the decisions. So your ego's fighting for it's life, playing with your mind, trying to assert its authority, trying to keep you cornered off in a holding pen away from the rest of the universe. Don't listen to it."
"How do you not listen to it?"
"Ever try to take a toy away from a toddler? They don't like that, do they? They start kicking and screaming. Best way to take a toy away from a toddler is distract the kid, give him something else to play with. Divert his attention. Instead of trying to forcefully take thoughts out of your mind, give your mind something better to play with. Something healthier."
"Like what?"
"Like love, Groceries. Like pure divine love."

I really like this passage. Do you?

Have I scared off anybody with my talk about spirituality yet? ;-)