I wish I could watch myself doing yoga these days...

It would be such a laugh.

Tonight, when our teacher said at one point, "Now comes the most important pose" like almost every week, I was already in pieces because of him just saying it. Frustrated, angry, and of course, crying. He said that we shoud stand and spread our arms, palms down. We were to move our arms, like a seesaw or a scale, he said, to balance ourselves, sloooowly.

And I just stood there. Eyes closed, of course, hearing everybody around me doing the exercise, and I kept thinking, "I cannot do this, I cannot do this." Note here that all I was asked to do, was to simply raise my arms and move them. Instead, I listened to everybody breathing harder and harder, listened to myself being all self-destructive, and curled my hands into fists at my sides, refusing to even lift my arms an inch. Maybe not for long, but long enough to wait for a word from our teacher. I thought, "Come on, say it. Tell me to do this, to try this, tell me that I can do this, so that I can finally SHAKE MY HEAD AT YOU!!"

However, nothing much of that sort happened. Maybe our teacher is a telepath and knows exactly what I need to block myself even more. Most likely, he just has a very sound knowlegde of human nature. Anyways, I didn't hear him say another word until I finally lifted my arms, stood completely still for a few seconds, and then started breathing again. I moved my arms like he told us to and it wasn't pretty. I started crying again, and stopped somewhere along the way, too. And I kept moving until we were done and it was a hell of a fight.


I tend to say, "Yoga brings out the worst in me," but I've come to believe that this is also who I really am, right now. Frustrated - yes; angry - for sure; grieving over a loss I do not yet have the words for to describe - everyday. But also fighting and on my way. I'm not fighting to win, but to realize that fighting is pointless, and I know that one day, I will stop and just be myself. I will throw a huge tantrum, but admit my anger, sadnes, my fears, and joy in the end.

Until then, I'll hide behind the fighting, because it's part of the process, too. In the end, however, I will lay down my sword and armour, and just be.

Re: Carol Berg's "Revelation"

Oh my. ♥