(no subject)

After a week, I've finally become accustomed to doing nothing. I don't know... I didn't plan it, it just happened. Well, not really. I had to force myself to take a break actually. But oh, it was so necessary... I was so fed up with work, unmotivated for university stuff, and damn, the issues with my family really pushed me over the edge. Got a little cold, too. Feel better now, though. Fortunately, I really do, because everyday life starts Monday.

There's so much I need to do and so little I want to do. Being in the office will be so desolate without U. who already left for Freiburg a week ago. It's a bittersweet goodbye because BLOODY HELL! She got an awesome scholarship and will do her PhD under the supervision of one of Germany's best known linguists! Lucky girl! But I'll miss her terribly... We have only worked together for three months but I've grown fond of her so fast. We saw each other each day, worked together really well, and had a lot of fun. I will keep myself together and not start crying on her farewell party on Tuesday. I won't, I won't, I won't.

Speaking of Tuesday, I will spend the night at A.'s and T.'s because it's my flatmate's birthday and I don't want to be around for her party. The atmosphere here is still very icy but not yet hostile. Speaking of flats, I have cancelled my old one, but haven't found a new one yet, but then again, I haven't really started looking, have I? I would be happy to be out of this place, but I can't bring myself to look for the flat in which I would want to live in starting this fall.

As I said, lots of things I need to do. Two graded papers lie ahead of me this summer and one of those even is a creative project! Whoohoo ... if I could have wrung some sort of creativity out of myself during the last two years. Me and writing has become such a sad, sad story. Why exactly is that? The other paper I have to do is on Star Trek but I have no clue about the topic yet. There's nothing to worry about, so to speak. But time's ticking away, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.


And I still don't know what's really bothering me lately. Sure, regular university life has stopped until October, U.'s goodbye really gets to me, and all my friends here, one after another, are leaving for a short holiday at their parents'. I feel lonely, that's for sure, and I don't take that lightly anymore. However, I have also felt kind of... lost during the last weeks. I don't know who I am anymore. I have friends, I have university, I have a job, but who am I really? I've been desperately looking for a core, for something inside of me which just doesn't change, for something in which I can trust, but I stand here empty-handed. I've even stopped doing yoga and meditating because I couldn't stand myself anymore. Intellectually, I know it's exactly the wrong thing to do in my situation, but emotionally, I just don't feel strong enough to sit down, close my eyes, and face this huge dark hole inside of me which is supposed to be me. It's so hard to keep believing that this pain is something I have and not something I am. But that's the huge difference in life, isn't it? Having and being. Do I have emotions or am I my emotions? Let's hope that I'll get the hang of it soon again.


Tomorrow will be a busy but also a very nice day because our choir will sing at two wedddings. Singing at weddings has always been very touching and sweet. Even though two weddings will be a bit hectic, it will be good as well. On Sunday then,schattenstern and I will finally go to Frankfurt to hear the Dalai Lama speak. I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to this and how excited I am! Moreover, I haven't seen schattenstern in quite a while and I am glad that specifically the two of us will do this little trip together. ♥


Have a nice weekend everybody!